I think I have shared enough sadness for one Mother’s Day. Today I got to spend a wonderful day with my kids and will again tomorrow. I’m blessed. I am a mother. It is my day.
I still think of my own mother and her missing presence, but today while running in the rain with my sidekicks, sidekick one looking for me to make sure I was still there, I realized something. She taught me, in her short time here, the most important lesson of motherhood.
The lesson: You show love by being there.
It may seem obvious..or maybe to some lacking, but I realized this. I love them. That is mine, that is about me. I don’t need to just love them everyday. I do that anyway. I did that the very moment that I wished for them. But for them, from their eyes, I can show them by being there. Then they feel love and I give my gift to them.
I have learned so much as a mother. So much that I wish I could tell my mother that I now see. That I now understand, and that I am now thankful. So much that I wish I could say a million sorry’s for all of the times I forgot to say thank you. I wish I could tell her just how many times I saw her.
She didn’t love to be in the public’s eye. She didn’t love attention but I saw her. Always I saw her.
She was on the front row of every dance recital. Or backstage when I needed her most.
She preferred the back row when it came to my basketball and volleyball games, yet somehow I always knew when she came in (before the game started) and snuck to the back row. I could always hear her voice when I played and I can distinctly recall how she would smack her hands on the top of her legs when she would get excited. I saw her.
She was at the spelling bee, and the geography bee where I took 3rd place.
She wiped my tears.
Kissed my sores.
Took me to the doctor, the dentist, the orthodontist, my lessons etc.
She made my lunches.
She held my bowl when I puked.
She wiped my butt when I was small.
She danced with me.
She made me laugh.
She was my biggest fan! I was so beautiful to her. I was smart. I was funny. To her..I was amazing.
She painted my room with clouds when I was away for a day, because I wanted it.
She watched me run, and ran with me when she could.
She left me notes..everywhere..she wanted me to know she was there, even when she wasn’t.
She helped me write papers, and proofread my stories. She read my books, and gave me good honest feedback because that’s exactly what I asked for.
She answered my calls…most of the time…but would call back when she didn’t.
When she was busy at work and couldn’t talk, I got emails that said, “I know I didn’t sound available today, but you were the most important and I will do better tomorrow.”
If I ever said, “I need you.” She always said, “I am on my way.”
She helped me bring a child into the world. She helped me learn how to be a mother, the tiny simple things that I felt so lost and confused. Only a mom can do that, really, only a mom.
She came to my home. To visit me, because she missed me and what my life looked like, mattered to her.
She LOVED Me. She was always there.
I look back on my life and I realize that she was always there. Even when it was hard, even when she was sick, even when she couldn’t be, she made sure I knew she was always there. I guess she is still trying to tell me that now…but I am stubborn…I don’t listen…and I need more.
Thanks mom for the lessons. I miss you everyday. Happy Mother’s Day!
